Bluffing your way through the Cricket World Cup

Cricket fever has gripped the nation. With England in the semifinals for the first time
since 1992, it is a hot topic of conversation. But for those less well versed in the
gentleman’s game, here are a few sure fire steps to bluffing your way through the Cricket World Cup.

If you’re new to the game and want to watch the hottest games of the summer, here is a cheat guide to the world cup:

  • If you are English you must never support Australia. Ever.
  • The score is displayed thus: number of runs / number of wickets (e.g. 349/8) UNLESS you are Australian where they have their own (incorrect and backwards) way of doing things by putting the number of wickets first (8/349).
  • A batsman goes out (to bat) and is therefore in. When he gets out, he goes back in (to the dressing room).
  • If you find yourself in a conversation regarding technology, simply rehearse this phrase: “all this technology is redundant if the zinger bails won’t dislodge.” Any cricket fan will be impressed by your knowledge of current issues and immediately elevate you in their estimations.
  • TMS stands for Test Match Special. This is the soundtrack to the summer and should be respected in the same way one would the Queen’s Christmas Day speech.
  • Never ask the question “are we winning?”
  • When anyone talks about the Australian team just comment that if they don’t win there’s always a job in the sandpaper department at B&Q.
  • The terminology can be somewhat confusing. A “brilliant hooker” and “fine leg” are not the stuff of the Amsterdam red light district and if unsure how to use them in context, the best advice would be to avoid them.
  • Wisden is not a cricketer; it is a bible of statistics.
  • A quick rundown of some important umpiring signals:
    • Being given the finger is not what you may think it is. When the umpire raises his finger the batsman is out and must take the lonely walk back to the pavilion.
    • Waving both arms in the surrender position. No, the umpire has not seen a bear, but the ball has soared over the boundary rope for a maximum of 6 runs. This is often followed by an uttering of profanities from the bowler.
    • Both arms outstretched. Sadly, this is not an indication to hug the umpire, but a wide ball. It must be bowled again, and a run is added to the extras of the batting side.
    • Right arm stuck out as if hailing a bus indicates a no ball. An extra is added to the batting side and the ball must be bowled again. The next ball is a “free hit” meaning the batsman cannot be dismissed and he will usually swing wildly in the hope of launching the ball into the crowd. If all else fails- drink beer and revel in the atmosphere that surrounds the beautiful If you are English you must never support Australia. Ever

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